I didn’t think it would come this, but after the latest press conference and Lord knows countless others, “are you fucking kidding me!?!?!” moments, I think it’s now time to invoke the Trump Survival Kit for African Americans. Some may think a survival kit is a bit drastic, but so is having an imbecile for president who has surrounded himself with the most progressive racists of our time. As a women of color it scares me what these men could do with the 13th amendment; remember the Jews in a million years never thought one man could turn nations against them. I ain’t trying to live through a modern holocaust!
Please note: if you are any other “minority” race, I hate the word minority, but if you fall under this category based on societal standards, then you too may need to create a kit or adjust the contents of what’s being explained below:
The Trump Survival Kit
Item #1. Passport – If you don’t have one already, it’s time to start the process. The cost for a passport whether new or renewal ranges from $110 - $165. Check out https://travel.state.gov/content/passports/en/passports.html for exact info. And while you’re at it, start researching other countries you may want to export to.
Item #2. Money – Start saving your coin. You do not need anything new right now. But, you will need bribe cash in the event you need to escape.
Item #3. Escape Route – At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if someone isn’t building a new underground railroad. Folks, it’s time we get our Harriet Tubman on. Figure out where you want to go as mentioned in Item #1
Item #4. Learn a new language – Depending on the destination or destinations you’re thinking of, it will be helpful if you learn the language, which will make your transition a bit easier.
Item #5. Swimming Lessons – If there’s one thing we learned from the slave trade, swimming was not one of our strong suits. Hell, just watch Amazing Race there’s always a black team who can’t swim. During an escape we will not be able to control the method of transportation, some of it may require getting on a raft and then swimming the rest of the way. Start learning, plus it’s healthy for you!
Item #6. Natural Hair – Sistahs, sistahs, sistahs, now more than ever is the time to go natural. During an escape you will not be able to maintain a weave, plus you might pisst off the other escapees with the smell, let’s be real. For the relaxer chicks, you can pretend your hair is not nappy, but you know six weeks into an escape you will lose your mind. I’m personally going through the relaxer-less process now. My advice, start slow, get use to the hair your ancestors gave you, and you’ll see you’ll adjust!
Item #7. Berries and edible Plants – In every slave movie escape, somewhere somehow they end up in the woods and actually survive. Back in the day, peeps knew what natural aka organic really was. Take a class on natural berries and plants that can be used for consumption and medicinal purposes. As a matter of fact, Groupon was recently offering a survival in the woods class for $59, I suggest you check your local listing.
Item #8. Dog Training – As much as we love our furry family members, we all know they were the primary weapon of slave recovery. With this being said, now is the time to embrace your inner Cesar Millian and take a dog training class, learn to disarm, pacify them or whatever it takes not to be eaten or caught.
Item #9. Learn to climb a tree – If you don’t subscribe to item #8 then may I suggest you learn how to climb a tree. This is an official reach out to Bree Newsome to host some classes. Remember, this was the sistah who climbed the flag pole to remove the confederate flag in South Carolina.
Item #10. Get a Massa – If you absolutely feel you can’t follow items 1-9, then may I suggest you broker a deal with a white person you can trust, and ensure he/she will be your Massa in the event the 13th amendment is repealed and we’re once again deemed legal property.
On a final note, I encourage all folks to stay woke. We live in a country that kidnapped, abused, degraded and continues to despise us. There’s nothing they wouldn’t do to make their AmeriKKKa great again! Be on guard and if you can’t fight them, then get the hell out. At least this time it will be on your own terms!